Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
