Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
