dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
