Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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