his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
