How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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