bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
