Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
