I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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