What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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