It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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