I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
