I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
