i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
