Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
