I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
