WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
