Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
