Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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