she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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