omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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