WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize