i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
