i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Vodka?
Forever.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize