My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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