i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You took a bar mat shot.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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