I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
