Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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