She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
