At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
