But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
