He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize