I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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