final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My life is pants optional.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
