Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
