So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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