there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
