I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
