who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Houston, we have a squirter
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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