Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
is it fun? or sober?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
