mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Someone came in the potted fern
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
