see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
