just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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