1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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