This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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