well I can't set my house on fire every night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
