the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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