he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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