im having a threesome with these popsicles
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
