You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize