My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
