Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
