i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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