Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
