Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
