We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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