You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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