Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
